Pseudonym Rankings by Giacomo Pope

The world of writers is populated with scheming liars who live behind fake names. It is time to name names. Prepare for judgement.

- "Giacomo"

[note: this is a guest post by Giacomo Pope. he pitched the idea to me and i agreed to post it on his behalf. it went through several iterations over twitter DM and email.]

[second note: i sent a draft of this, with some edits and questions, to giacomo shortly after he lacerated his head on a street sign.]

Giacomo reviewing my edits after lacerating his head on a street sign

This is a blog post about pseudonyms written as a list with a very scientific and precise scoring system. It's like rotten tomatoes, except a high score means that I've judged the author to be using a pseudonym and I don't talk about films at all. Disclaimer: I am writing this introduction after cutting my head open and I'm not really paying attention to what I'm writing. But yeah, whatever. Here's an IMDB of named names. You have been judged. - "Giacomo"

Sam Pink
82%

Sam Pink was once at a party and someone asked Sam what his favourite colour was, and then Sam responded pink but regretted it and changed his mind and said blue, but everyone had already heard pink and everyone at the party was laughing at him and so he said, i said pink, but i only said pink because i say my name before answering any question, as you know. so what you heard, when you heard pink, was actually my name: Pink, and then you all heard my favourite colour, which is blue. and all his friends said "i thought your name was Boccaccio" and he said "no, it's Pink and my favourite colour is blue."



Chelsea Martin
0%

For "Chelsea Martin" to pick a pseudonym she would have to have a name that wasn't "Chelsea Martin". For "Chelsea Martin" who isn't "Chelsea Martin" to pick the pseudonym "Chelsea Martin", "Chelsea Martin" would first have to think of the name "Chelsea Martin". For "Chelsea Martin", who isn't "Chelsea Martin" to pick the name "Chelsea Martin" after thinking of the name "Chelsea Martin", "Chelsea Martin" would have to decide to use the name "Chelsea Martin", instead of the name "Chelsea Martin" had before becoming "Chelsea Martin" as a name to attach to "Chelsea Martin's" art. For "Chelsea Martin" to feel like "Chelsea Martin" was the name of the person who made the art that the person who wasn't called "Chelsea Martin" made, the person called "Chelsea Martin" would first have to make art as "Chelsea Martin". For there to be art made by "Chelsea Martin", the person who isn't "Chelsea Martin" would have to already be "Chelsea Martin", making art as "Chelsea Martin" for the person who isn't named "Chelsea Martin" to look at to decide if the art "Chelsea Martin" felt congruent to the art made by the person who isn't "Chelsea Martin" to be sold as art made by "Chelsea Martin". Therefore "Chelsea Martin" was making art as "Chelsea Martin" before the person called not called "Chelsea Martin" was making art. Therefore "Chelsea Martin" has always been "Chelsea Martin".



Bud Smith
91%

Feel overwhelmingly that "Bud Smith" was a name picked to subconsciously inspire friendship between "Bud Smith" and other members of the community. When I message "Bud Smith", i say "hey bud", which makes me feel calm and relaxed, like I'm messaging a good and kind friend. I am 90% certain is part of some evil plan. Potentially his name could also be a reference to "smoking the devils lettuce", or even the flowering of "opium buds". When I say "bud," am I really saying "foe"???


Mike Andrelczyk
23%

I find Andrelczyk very hard to spell, but I'm an idiot. Luckily I message Mike every day so I copy paste it from our Twitter DMs so I don't need to learn to spell it myself. Potentially problematic if Mike spells his own name wrong. Sometimes Mike says he wishes he had a pseudonym, which seems to suggest he doesn't... but Mike plays chess, so I wouldn't put it past him to be playing mind tricks with me. This move is known as the Poet's Gambit.



Noah Cicero
80%

"Noah" might be Noah's name, but "Cicero" seems too good to be true considering the political edge to a lot of Noah's writing. If Cicero is Noah's real name, then he's another case of people becoming their names. The first case of this I remember was being taught physics by a man named Mr. Newton. He was a strange man who told me to work harder after getting 100% in a physics exam. Feeling interested that I have made the speculation about Noah's name as an opportunity into sharing a fact about myself where I make myself seem intelligent. Going to keep it in, along with these sentences.


Big Bruiser Dope Boy
0%

No one would pick that as a pseudonym, must just have weird parents.



Joseph (Joey) Grantham 
50%

"Hi I'm Joseph, but my friends call me Joey" seems innocent on the surface, but under the kindness and the moustache lies the mysterious workings of indie lit's most gruesome sociopath. Over the course of the past few years, Joseph (Joey) Grantham has worked his way up through the independent literature scene, from a small indie press run with his sister, to being the editor of the lit mag associated to the worlds most important and likeable podcaster. Unsatisfied with the power over the nervous breakdown, Joseph (Joey) Grantham went after Brad Listi himself, killing Brad and hiding his body in the hollywood hills in the summer of 2019. We will never learn of the true identity of Joseph (Joey) Grantham until we see it on white letters, on a black board in a mugshot, with crocodile tears falling under the rims of his glasses.



Cavin (Bryce) Gonzalez
13%

Cavin is a friend, but how well do you really know anyone over the internet? His middle name comes and goes, and I've heard dark rumours of an early life as Mr. Sinatra. I suspect Cavin's real name is "Jethro" and the dog he posts photos of his just his way to allow the truth to air in a safe space.



Crispin Best
17% + 99%

I went to a church the other day and there was a hallway filled with stained glass pictures of various saints. One of the saints was "St. Cripsin". I took a photo and tweeted the photo of the stained glass picture of saint crispin to Crispin Best. Honestly thought up until the point "Crispin" was some punny name linked with "Crispin off your bacon" or something. Now I just feel like Crispin was named after a saint. Almost totally sure in display of domination, Crispin picked the last name "Best" to establish an intimidating presence on social media.



Elizabeth Ellen
5%

I'm instantly suspicious of alliterative names, but EE's whole shtick seems to be catastrophic honesty, so using a pseudonym would just be really weird. Going to just assume EE's mum liked the letter E.



Tao Lin
0%

Certain that Tao would use his real name. Would be very surprised if Tao did not use his real name. I can imagine Tao sitting there for a long time thinking about whether to use a pseudonym, but deciding that it would be better to not use a pseudonym.



Sam Pink (again)
73%

"Sam" appears to me as too American Italian to be called "Sam". If Sam was short for "Samuele", "Santo", "Santu" or "Sarbaturi" I am 96% certain "Sam" would just use his full name, as those are great names. Imagining "Sam" is actually named "Giovanni", or maybe "Ludovico", and picked "Sam" so it was easier to write in crayon.



Zac Smith
99.999%

Surely no one would write 50 poems about barns and put their real name on the front? Zac has a proper job, with proper friends. Family, people who love him. Can't believe it for a second that he'd let that barn open its doors for the world to look into. He also mentioned his name rhyming with "Larry" at some point, when we were shit talking poems that rhyme, which seems suspicious, in retrospect.


Blake butler
1%

Alliteration means this was obviously once a pseudonym - however I’m almost totally certain that after the first few books Blake published, "Blake" legally changed his name to become Blake. I suspect that this was to help him stop feeling weird when random people on the internet sent him emails referring to him as “Blake”.



Juliet Escoria
100% 

I read Scott Mclanahan’s book and listened to a podcast with Scott Mclanahan in which he refers to Juliet as Julia. I do not think Juliet's last name is Mclanahan, but I also don’t think it’s Escoria.


Daniel Bailey
42%

There's something elegant in how many letters are shared between "Daniel" and "Bailey" which makes me think that this was done on purpose. Decided to write "Dn By", as a minimal name, as though I can cancel letters on both sides. Buying a poetry book by Dn By. Being taught poems by dn by. bydnby as a signature on a book contract. Doubt re: pseudonym in the form of knowledge that "Daniel" named his blog "Horse Juice", and with ideas like that, I feel like if Daniel was picking a pseudonym, it would probably be something as earth shattering as "Horse Juice" and that "Daniel" is indeed just "Daniel".


Scott McClanahan
??%

Every time I think Scott's name I sing a little song which goes "Scott McClanahahanahanahaahahan" and giggle and lose focus. No idea. Great name though.



Steve Anwyll
3%

Feel almost completely certain it is important for Steve to attach his real name to his writing. Feel this on the level of his dedication to authenticity. Steve feels like an authentic man. Feel like I can imagine an interviewer asking Steve whether he uses a pen name and Steve telling the podcaster only a coward would use a pen name.



Raymond Carver
100%

I see you Gordon.



Megan Boyle
1%

After writing Liveblog, I'm not sure there'd be much of a point in writing under a pseudonym. Potentially picked a pseudonym before deciding to write the accountability blog, but feel that if this was the case, "Megan" would have included thoughts within Liveblog such as "Asked mom about how good my pseudonym was, like on a scale of 10 while watching homeland, but didn't listen to her response. Opened the bathroom door and flushed the toilet".



Troy James Weaver
68%

Feel Like Troy's name is Troy, but that either "James" or "Weaver" has been added to make sure Troy would be considered with other three-named authors such as David Foster Wallace, William Carlos Williams, Karl One Knausgaard, Robert Louis Stevenson, Michael Earl Craig, Edgar Allen Poe, R L Stein, Joseph (Joey) Grantham and Philip Seymour Hoffman.



Brian Allen Carr / Brian Alan Ellis
50%

One of these guys is real, one of them is an alter ego. I refuse to believe that this tiny bubble of indie lit has two separate people with such confusingly similar names. I've talked with Brian Alan Ellis, which makes me think he exists, but he could also exist as a pseudonym online, living day-to-day as Allen Carr. Laughing about how both of these people have three word names but that I forgot to add them into Troy's investigation. Decided not to edit them back in as some form of authenticity to the investigation. Potentially both are the pen names for Bret Easten Ellis for when he want to stop writing about being white and instead focus on the higher arts such as wrestling, or Alf.



Brad Phillips
13%

I first became aware of Brad while he was lying to people with funny fake business cards. Feel strongly that Brad is good at making art about lying, but that his name came before the lies and is probably real. Feel like it's important for Brad to be Brad while doing Brad things, like lying. Maybe he has won me over, and I am just another mark in a lifetime of art-cons.